Tag Archives: dating

The Dating Coach… (or, 10 things I wish they taught me in school)

17 Wednesday Apr 2013

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A few weeks ago, following a random chain of events, I decided to sign up with a dating coach.  I did. And I paid for it too. Lets get the obvious questions out to the way.

No, I’m not desperate to get married.

No, I have not given up on life / love / common sense.

Yes, I do have real bills to pay.

No, I did not win the lottery and I do not have extra money to throw around.

No, I do not think that I’m incapable of getting a man on my own.

That should cover all the big questions.  You know you were thinking it, so now you can stop wondering.

So why the dating coach you ask? My profound reason? Just because. I’ve done the online dating thing for a while and if there is stuff to be learned, I want to know it.  I did quite a bit of research before making the commitment though.  There are a lot of strong opinions both for and against the whole dating coach thing.  Some say its just a scam to exploit desperate lonely folk.  In some cases this is true.  There are unscrupulous folk running around taking unfair advantage of people’s vulnerability and cheating them out of their money.  On the other hand, there are those who legitimately make a study of the best practices of dating and self-presentation, and know how to pass these skills on to others.

I first met Charlie Nox, dating coach extraordinaire, the real deal, and an altogether great person, at a SXSW panel titled ‘Feminists vs. Pick Up Artists.’ Charlie was there representing the pick-up artists.  I liked her enough to read her book, The Babe Hack (get it while its still free), and sign up for her mailing list.  When she announced that she was putting together a small beta group to explore the mysteries of OK Cupid, I decided (after some dithering) to sign up.

Our first session found me and five other intrepid daters smiling nervously at each other and trying not to make eye contact as we video’d in from our various locations across the Goggle-sphere. The thing that struck me as I looked at each member of the group was the number of perspectives represented.  Coming from a variety of demographics, ethnicities, professions and belief systems, each person was smart, funny, accomplished, and attractive. This first meeting began what has been a fascinating three-week, small group journey. Between the Google Hangouts and Facebook group, we examined each other’s profiles, critiqued pictures and messages, challenged, and encouraged each other.  I have since added getting us all together physically, in one place for dinner, to my bucket list. Now THAT will be a blast! This real time dating feedback and support group is something I wish every dater could have.

I won’t go into the specifics of all we learned because you can read it for yourself by downloading The Babe Hack (again, do it now while its free).  So here are my 10 big take-aways:

  1. Focus on being and sharing your authentic self. “Do you booboo.” Do you!
  2. Be honest about what you are really looking for and keep that front and center so that you don’t get distracted from your goal.
  3. Be bold. Go after who you want. If they don’t want you back you have lost nothing. And if they do? Score!!
  4. Be persistent. No responses this week? Keep trying. You are guaranteed to get nothing out if you put nothing in.  Also, the more you practice, the better you get.
  5. Don’t be shody. Take time to craft interesting messages. Your profile is your one chance to make that good impression. Make it count.
  6. You are a horrible judge of your own best pictures. What you may think is fly… maybe not so much. Ask your friends.
  7. Keep experimenting. Rotate your pictures. Change the way you say things. Constantly alter things to see what gets you the best response.
  8. Use your spell check.
  9. Again, because its worth repeating: use your spell check.
  10. Don’t compare yourself to others.  Sometimes life feels like the Skee Lo song ‘I Wish.’ Instead of getting depressed and frustrated, embrace YOU! Your journey, your personality, your nose, your body type, your squeaky voice, your quirky sense of humor, your geekiness… But not your misspelling. Correct that right away.

So folks, I continue on my OK Cupid journey. Or, it may be Craigslist next week. I can however assure you it will never be eHarmony (i.e. the money pit).  Either way, I’ll be having fun with all these great tips I’ve picked up. Maybe I’ll meet someone excellent tomorrow and turn this into a blog about weddings (please God, PLEASE!). But more likely I’ll keep plugging away and sharing ‘interesting’ stories. Either way, I intend to enjoy the journey.

The first lie… (or, you’d better have flushed your iPhone down the toilet)

14 Monday Jan 2013

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So the other day I’m sitting there watching a body language and truth decoding expert on the Steve Harvey TV show (#DontJudgeMe), and according to her the top lies people tell are:

1. I’ll call you
2. I love you

I believe it. If I have to pick one to hear I’d really rather have someone tell me lie #2 because as far I’m concerned, it is easy to disprove. The way you treat me lets me know if you love me long before you say the words. The most damaging lie? Lie #1. Let me explain.

“I’ll call you.” As a lie this has to be one of the most infuriating statements ever made. On my list of pet peeves it ranks right up there with, ‘Thou shalt not bomb thy neighbor.’ I think its the forgotten commandment. ‘Thou shalt not say you’ll call someone and then not do it.’ “I’ll call you.” Really boo? Really?

Here’s how it typically goes down. ‘Expect my call at 11,’ you say. I didn’t ask you to make me any promises, but still you volunteered this one. Even worse, you specified a time to make sure I’d be available. So I make a mental note, don’t fully concentrate on my Scandal reruns (what a waste), and devote my time to waiting for this call. Don’t get me wrong. Its not that I sit there staring at the phone. If only. That might be more productive. You’ve told me you’ll call. So I fulfill my end of the agreement by ensuring my phone is free and not getting too deeply caught up in anything so that I can put the things aside and give you my full attention when you call.

Then I wait… and wait… pick up the phone to make sure the ringer is on… check my email/text/IM to make sure that I have the right date and time details… watch 3 minutes of a muted episode of House Hunters… peek back at Scandal… check my phone again… and still, you don’t call. Half an hour after the call window is closed and I have totally moved on to something else, you send me an email/text/IM. ‘Hey,’ you ask. ‘You still up?’

*head explodes* Trifling! No. No I’m not up. In fact, I’m not even in the country. I actually changed my phone numb… no wait, flushed my phone down the toilet and will no longer be reachable. Actually, scrap that. Aliens came and abducted me and my phone and we are now in a new galaxy. Over reaction? Maybe. But I betcha don’t get to do it again. At least not to me.

I guess what makes me crazy about the whole ‘I’ll call you’ thing is that at the root of it lies serious disrespect. Either you think I’m so dumb and needy that I have to be placated with fake call promises, or you value my time so little that you couldn’t do me the courtesy of showing up when you said you would or at the very least, sending an email/text/IM before the proposed call to change the time. We prioritize and make time for the thing we value. Clearly I’m not on the valued list.

I don’t care if you are a girl or a guy. I don’t care if the reason you don’t call is personal or business related. Be a person of your word… And if you are going to lie to me, make it about something that matters. Don’t waste my time.

Does this bother you as much as it does me? How do you deal with fake non-callers? Let me know in the comments.

Photo credit to The 10 Habits of A Liar

What doesn’t kill you… (or, ah phooey!)

04 Friday Jan 2013

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Catchy tune isnt it? People say it often. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”  Stronger? Poppycock!  (I want to use stronger words but this is a PG forum. Feel free to insert your curse word of choice.) Stronger for what? Bearing more horrible things? No. And the next person who tells me that might get punched in the face. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

The truth is trials and hardships do equip you to deal with tough stuff later on. That is an inescapable fact of life. But lets stop pretending that bad stuff is some magical gift.  If I gave you the option between building your character through something really, really awful, or just having stuff work out, which would you choose? Tough decision, huh?… NOT! Hard times do build up your ability to cope with difficult situations… not good times. Why cant we have more fun times to prepare us to handle the even more fun times? (Rhetorical question. Please don’t write me answers.)

I know that whether I look for them or not trials will find me, but here are a few things that haven’t killed me, but I refuse to be stronger for:

Rejection. Anyone who has done any amount of dating, in real life or online, knows rejection. Bless the boys because they can go from one girl to the next and shake rejection off like water from a ducks back. Are guys more resilient or is another drive stronger than the sting of rejection? I’m going to go with option number 2.  Not to be down on the guys but I’ve seen girls run after rejection like its free ice cream.  They just do it after they’ve fixed their attentions on a specific target. (Cue the Always Be My Baby stalker music).

I just want to be that girl who effortlessly meets her soul mate, falls in love, and has the fairy tale happy-ever-after.  Having faced my fair share of rejection, I know it’s not going to happen that way, but a girl can dream. So am I stronger for all my rejections? Maybe wiser. A little more guarded.  But I can tell you I am not chomping at the bit to experience the ultimate rejection that all the little rejections have been building me up for.

Cheating. Do we really need to elaborate on this? ‘Oh, he/she cheated on me so I’m so much better equipped to handle future infidelity.’ The only thing made stronger here is my right leg as I kick your butt out the door. It doesn’t kill you, but you might learn how to box.

Poverty. No. I refuse to embrace brokeness so that I can build the strength to be even broker. There is nothing noble about being poor.  Don’t believe me? Ask a poor person. I think back to the days when I had to choose between putting gas in my car to go to work or buying food to eat. Stronger? Nope. That just puts a fire in my belly to work harder and hustle more so I never have to be that broke again.

Airport security lines. No matter how many times I’m stuck in line behind the family with four children under the age of 8 and their attending paraphernalia, I never get better at it for the next time around. If anything I’m even more crazed because I know what’s in store for me. Stronger? No. More prayerful? Yes.  Please God don’t let me be on the same flight/section as them.  To be fair, at least I can walk away from the situation.  The poor frazzled parents are stuck. I wonder if they feel stronger?

The Real Housewives of anywhere/ Honey Boo Boo. How is there not a law banning any of these shows from being shown anywhere, ever?  Even the clips on the Soup make me want to scream, and I didn’t have to watch more than 2 minutes.  I have friends who love these shows, and I don’t judge them… much. But each time I get suckered into watching 7 minutes with them (I cannot endure more) I am tested in the extreme.  Stronger? Maybe just enough to gouge out my own eyes so I don’t ever have to see this again.

Lifetime movies…
Patchouli…
Heavy metal…

No. Just…no.

I could go on, but I’m curious. What are some things you refuse to be stronger for? Let me know in comments.

I’m Psycho and I Know it

17 Monday Dec 2012

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ImageWhen LMFAO wrote their song, I doubt they planned for this derivative of the main chorus to become a theme song of mine… especially when a guy I like is involved.  I’ve always known that being a girl is hard work.  Add a male maybe-love interest to the mix, the work or girl-dom becomes even harder.

You get caught up in your own head.
You really like yourself… on four days out of the week, and those days rotate from week to week.
You are confident… for the most part.
You like boys… except when you don’t.
You always totally know your mind… in that moment. Things in your mind are subject to change for any reason at any time.
You see things that are there… no they’re not… yes, they are… Oh, forget it!

So take the constant cycling of the of female brain, add a dose of ‘What is he thinking?’ to it, and multiply that by 73. Behold, a psycho is born.  If you are a female who has ever crushed on a guy, even mildly, you know what I’m talking about.  Suddenly rational thought flies out of the window. Everything is now analyzed to death with ridiculous results.  “What does he really mean when he says he likes the color blue? Is it a metaphor for something? Maybe he’s feeling sad.  Does this mean I make him sad? Oh my God, he’s trying to tell me he’s married!”

Lets not even go into the whole communication thing.  A 15-minute pause in between texts becomes cause for crisis counseling.  “He liked me so much 10 minutes ago. Has he changed his mind? Maybe his old girlfriend called. Why is he silent? I bet you he’s on a date with someone else.” *Bloop* In comes a text. “Oh my God he loves me! Look at how fast he responded. He included a smiley face. Thats good right? We’re definitely getting married soon. I can feel it!”

I know we are told to listen to our intuition, but there are some instances where the dating-crazy overrides common sense.  It is possible to get in the way of your own good relationship.  Right at this very moment, some poor guy is dealing with the fallout from some imagined slight or conversation that was brewed in some girl’s head.  Are there scheming, lying, no-good, players out there that you need to keep an eye out for? Yes.  But remember paranoia is a good thing only as long as someone really is out to get you.  The rest of time, it’s just crazy.  So my chicas, I say to you what I constantly tell myself; take a deep breath and exhale.  Repeat after me, ‘Woosah.’

So the lesson this psycho chic is learning is this: Get out of your own head.  It is easier said than done, but it can be done.  Here are a few simple tips.  Stop obsessing and playing Toni Braxton for hours.  Do not allow yourself to listen to any bluesy or schmaltzy music.  I recommend just playing techno.  If nothing else, the beat will turn your crazy to a different direction.

Call your sane girlfriend and allow yourself no more than a specified amount of insecure, crazy-girl venting.  I suggest 15-30 minutes.  Anything beyond that is just feeding the beast.  Also, you know and I know that there are some friends who should never be called in a crisis. Ever. If they feed on drama or bringing you down, do NOT call one of them when you are at a weak point.

Get out of the house and go do something.  Exercise. Go watch a movie. Buy yourself something pretty. They call it retail therapy because it works.  However, you might want to keep the receipt so that you can take your retail fix back when you return to your non-obsessing, normal self.  Just a tip.

If you’re stuck in the house, do not log onto Facebook or Twitter to moon over his posts, or stalk him on IM. “Oh look, he liked something 7 minutes ago. Why isn’t he posting on my page? I’ll go write something clever. Is it funny? Why hasn’t he liked it?” Don’t do it.  I have found that watching an episode of Criminal Minds will keep your mind occupied for a little while.  There’s nothing like watching a true psychopath dismember a family of five to put things back in perspective.

Bottom line chicas, relax. What will be, will be.  He will like you and call you soon, or he wont.  You cannot control his actions, but you sure as heck can control your reactions.  Either way, you Will. Not. Die.  It might feel like your head is about to explode from all the back and forth you’re doing in there, but you’ll be fine.  If it’s not this boy at this time, there will be other boys.

Note to the boys: If you are going out with some chic, do us all a favor and communicate. It takes so little to keep us sane and happy.  Go on, make the world a better place.   Send her a text Right Now!!